CHAPTER 6: Guide To Sex Toys For Couples
Threesomes aren’t for everybody. But what if I told you the third party was an inanimate orgasm machine that will strengthen your relationship and improve your sex life?
I promise you this: if you have even a shred of desire to try couples sex toys, it’s not going to go away. You can try to ignore it, but the yearning will prevail. In fact, that desire will just increase over time. You can try to overlook it, but it’s going to have a negative impact on your sexual satisfaction.
Look, I get it. Having the “I want to try a sex toy” conversation brings on swarms of insecurity and hesitation. No one wants to be judged by their partner for wanting to try something new. No one wants to make their partner feel like they aren’t enough, when trying a sex toy has nothing to do with their performance at all.
But here’s the thing. If you’re lying in bed with sweet visions of vibrators and no clue how to express them, your partner probably is too. There are more couples using sex toys than you might think. According to Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion, 41% of couples have used a vibrator during foreplay and 37% have used one during sex.
The hardest part about including sex toys in the bedroom is starting the conversation that plants the seed. From that point on, it’s a walk in the park. On the other side of communication awaits orgasms, health benefits, and a stronger relationship. Don’t worry, I’ll show you every step of the way.
15 Reasons To Try The Best Couples Sex Toys
- You want to.
- Your partner wants to.
- Sex between you and your partner has become a little dull and routine. You’re looking for something to spice things up.
- You and your partner want to experience more pleasure between the sheets.
- Both of you want to try something new, like prostate massage or anal sex, but want some assistance.
- Your female partner struggles to orgasm through penetration.
- Your female partner wants vibration and clitoral stimulation during foreplay and/or sex.
- Your female partner wants double penetration or anal play.
- Your male partner desires anal play.
- Your male partner experiences premature ejaculation, or wants something to help him prolong climax.
- You want to try mutual masturbation.
- One or both of you wants to explore their sexuality.
- You are searching for ways to deepen the intimacy and bond with your partner.
- You wish that your sex life felt dirtier and kinkier.
- You want to experience more and better orgasms.
Try to be as open and nonjudgmental about your partner reason for wanting to try sex toys, but respect your own personal boundaries.
While this list could go on for miles, these are the most common reasons couples try out sex toys. For hetero and same-sex relationships, any reason behind wanting to try a sex toy in your relationship is valid so long as the intentions are safe and respectful. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you’re in either. Sex toys for married couples is one of the most common niches in the industry.
Often times, wanting to use sex toys can represent deep sexual desires. A person who gets a lot of joy from anal penetration, for example, may have a fixated desire to experiment with anal toys. Try to be as open and nonjudgmental about your partner reason for wanting to try sex toys, but respect your own personal boundaries.
The Benefits of Inviting Sex Toys into Your Relationship
The number one benefit of using sex toys for couples is extra pleasure and orgasms. In the beginning, sex toys add an exciting sense of novelty. It’s something you two have never experienced together. The newness of the way toys look and feel is a turn on itself. Then you add in the purpose of the toys.
You can think of sex toys as an extension to the pleasure you are already providing. Toys will not replace you. They simply enhance the experience you have already created by adding supplemental pleasure. Often times, that extra pleasure is what gets people to orgasm when they otherwise would not. (Or it gets people to have multiple orgasms, when they otherwise would not.)
And sometimes, due to their mechanical nature, toys exceed the function of our natural abilities. No matter how perfect a lover you are, your body can’t parallel the power of a vibrator. A good vibrator’s higher degree of stimulation makes sexual experiences even more sensational. And there’s no rule that says you can’t max out the pleasure-meter every time you hit the sack.
- More orgasms are healthy for you.
- Couples using sex toys during foreplay and intercourse are extremely likely to have more orgasms than couples who don’t. And unlike the majority of the best things in life, orgasms are actually good for you. Here are some of the health benefits of orgasms you’ll soon be having:
- Orgasms reduce and counter the stress hormone cortisol, which has destructive effects on the body.
- They flood the body with feel-good endorphins that lift your mood and enhance your overall view on life.
- As we get older, orgasms keep our cardiovascular health in check, invariably reducing the risk of having a stroke.
- Since orgasms often leave us short of breath, they improve the strength of our breathing muscles and exercise our lungs.
- Orgasms pump blood through the facial tissue and skin, which keeps us looking young and vibrant.
- Regular ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate cancer for men.
- They keep vaginas healthy by increasing vaginal elasticity and lubrication, and maintaining the cell lining in the vaginal walls.
- Many therapists and health professionals insist that orgasms are positive for emotional wellbeing.
- Sex toys can strengthen your relationship.
Conversation and sex toys go hand-in-hand. In a relationship, you can’t have one without the other. Sex toys open the lines of communication between you and your partner. The convo starts by deciding to use a couple’s sex toy in the first place. Then it shifts to which type of toy to use and why, to how do we use this thing anyway? Then the communication orients around how each partner likes the toy, the best ways to use it, etc. You’ll get the hang of the chatter in no time.
The chitchat itself strengthens the element of communication in your relationship. You’ll find even more strength in the increased pleasure you’ll share. Thanks to the conversations you had the courage to initiate, you’ll both leave the bedroom oh-so satisfied and closer than ever.
Even open-minded couples that are comfortable with each other can have sexual insecurities and fears. Well, no more hiding. Sex toys put it all on the table. (Or the bed, or the kitchen table, whatever.) Practicing transparency and honesty with each other will translate to territories outside the bedroom. Now that’s an invaluable skill.
Let’s not forget the most important part: kinky sex toys for couples are a blast. And if you want a relationship to work, you have to have fun together. Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t get more fun than a party in the sack with your +1.
How Do I Tell My Partner I Want To Try A Sex Toy?
So it’s time to have “the talk.” Don’t freak out. What seems today like an eternity of angst and nerves will be completely forgotten once your partner is having a screaming orgasm… thanks to a new sex toy.
Communication is the bread and butter of a satisfied sex life. It’s better to learn the skills now than through a door-slamming series of trial and error later. This is just one of the many ways sex toys are about to rock your world.
The Conversation Comes First
Say you’re not into the whole sex communication thing. Instead, you pull out your own sex toy from underneath the pillow during a hot hookup. Sure, the rare spontaneous partner might be totally into that. But in most cases you’ll scare the shit out of your partner. Blindsiding them isn’t fair. Before you even think of grabbing that dildo, keep reading.
Know What You Want And How To Say It
We all know this from 3rd grade spelling tests. Being unprepared never ends well. Before you talk to your partner, have a grasp on what you want and why. Do you want a vibrator, a dildo, a sex toy for couples? And why? Is it hard for you to orgasm during intercourse or is your partner not satisfying you?
If you start the conversation stuttering and talking in circles, you will probably offend or confuse your partner. Build your case and know your facts. You have every right to try out that hot new sex toy for couples. But your partner deserves to hear a thought-out explanation as a sign of respect.
Pick The Right Time And Place
If you want to be successful, you shouldn’t bring it up while your partner is paying their bills. Try to be smooth, alright? Pick a time that won’t be cut short by responsibilities. Make sure your partner isn’t bogged down with stress.
Choose an environment that is comfortable, like in bed or while lounging on the couch. Hint: a post-sex high is a great atmosphere for sex talks, when the memory of an orgasm is still nice and fresh.
How To Bring It Up
This is the hardest step. Most of us just have to rip off the Band-Aid. Suck it up. Start talking. Here are some example sentences to get the words out:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about our sex life lately, and I’m interested in trying some new things…”
“I feel really comfortable with you. How would you feel about experimenting with a sex toy sometime?”
“You make me feel so satisfied. I have a couple ideas on how we could make our sex life even hotter…”
Or — for my feminist ladies out there in heterosexual relationships — you can go with my favorite approach:
“Have you heard of the orgasm gap? For every orgasm a woman has, a guy has three. I’m establishing a one-for-one policy for gender equality. Sex toys will get us there.”
Needless to say, I’ve gotten mixed responses.
Stay Aware Of Their Feelings And Include Them
Don’t forget that this kind of conversation needs to be mutual. Try not to dominate the conversation. Ask your partner how the conversation is making them feel. Questions will break the ice. Try to frame the request in third person so they feel included. For example, “I think it’s important for us to explore new things together.”
Throughout your conversation, reiterate to the positives your partner contributes to your sex life. I’ll be blunt: feed their ego a bit. But be honest. It will keep your partner from feeling intimidated or that they aren’t enough.
Pick Out The Best Couples’ Sex Toy Together
Just using a sex toy from your own collection will isolate and intimidate your partner. It will make it seem like using a toy is for your benefit only. If you decide to move forward with the sex toy initiative, I recommend shopping for a toy together. It’s fun to surf the web together (clothing optional) or head to a sex shop. Just the process of shopping together is a turn on, and many of your partner’s reservations will dissolve during this phase.
When you finally use sex toys with a partner, check in with them to make sure they’re comfortable. A simple “are you okay?” will suffice. If they are using a toy on you, tell them what feels good. If you are using the toy on them, ask them what they like. When you’re new to using toys in the bedroom, the key is to be gentle and respectful as the walls come down. After you embark on your first play date, thank your partner for being open-minded. Reiterate how much it meant to you and how damn good it felt.
Can you believe it only takes seven steps to transform your relationship? One day, when your partner is gifting you naughty sex toys for Valentine’s Day, you’ll look back on this conversation and laugh.
The Best Sex Toys For Couples
As a couple, you have the whole wide world of sex toys at your feet. A couples’ sex toy is any toy you use together. That means dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, cock rings, and the like are all considered couples’ toys. How will you ever choose? Professional tip: you don’t have to choose if you get them all.
But some toys are designed specifically as partner sex toys. They stimulate both partners’ genitals at the same time, or make a perfect addition to foreplay/intercourse. Although many of the toys are described in terms of PIV intercourse, I see no reason why same-sex couples shouldn’t try them out too if they want. Just be cautious.
Here are the types of sex toys I suggest for couples at any experience level. I’ll give you a couple tips on how to use them, although part of the fun is figuring it out on your own!
Magic Wand Sex Toys
Magic wands, or “personal massagers” are the wizards of foreplay. The end of a magic wand has insanely strong vibrations that tantalize anyone under their touch. Wands are meant for external use and are particularly fabulous for giving her clit orgasms. Keep in mind that the vibration is hella intense. You may want to put a layer of cloth or a towel between the wand and her clit.
You can use a magic wand to give a G-rated back massage if you really want. But you’ll enjoy putting it on your partner’s naked body more. Run the wand along any body part that would enjoy vibration. The magic wand becomes a hero when a woman uses one of these sex toys during sex. Try positions that enable her to do so, like doggie-style, spooning, or reverse cowgirl variations.
Vibrating Cock Ring
A classic cock ring goes at the base of an erection to make it harder, more sensitive, and last longer. Some are dick rings are stretchy, some are rigid, and others have a vibrator. A cock ring is absolutely a couples’ toy because it can prolong ejaculation and make the whole shindig last longer.
A vibrating cock ring is even more couple-friendly. The vibrations will work their way up and down the shaft of the giver. The receiver will feel the vibrations when the giver thrusts deeply. During PIV sex, when a man thrusts deeply, the vibration presses against their partner’s clit and makes an orgasm much more reachable. Keep in mind some guys don’t like vibration, in which case you’ll be better off with a standard penis ring.
Try this vibrating option: Je Joue Mio Penis Ring
Vibrators For Couples
Some of the most fun couples’ sex toys are the uniquely designed vibrators for partners. Luxury brands all have a similar version of a couples’ vibrator designed for PIV sex. The woman wears this toy, as it has two ends dedicated to G-spot and clitoral stimulation. She slides one end in her vagina while the other end nestles on her clit. For the guy, it’s business-as-usual.
The vibrations thrill the woman’s most sensitive spots while the guy gets in on the vibration as he thrusts. The best part about these massagers is you can wear them in any sex position. The woman can also wear the vibrator while she gives her partner a little foreplay.
It will all make sense when you see what the toy looks like: We-Vibe 4 Plus.
This is one of the most popular couples’ sex toys and it has all sorts of variations. Some you can hold in your hand like a computer mouse. Others strap onto your pointer and middle finger so that vibration follows wherever your fingers go. These vibrators are amazing to enhance any kind of touch during foreplay or sex.
Both partners can use handheld vibrators to tease each other. Trace them along your lover’s neck and nipples. Use them to enhance a blowjob as you trace the vibrators around his ass cheeks and balls. For every place you can touch there is a new way to use these toys. The options are endless.
Try this personal favorite: Hello Touch by JimmyJane
Be Safe When Using Sex Toys With A Partner
You can learn more about the safety of sex toys in Chapter 2, but I’ll give you the mere basics here. Unfortunately, not all sex toys are safe. Certain materials are currently in question, like rubber, jelly, plastics, PVC, and Cyberskin — basically, anything squishy. These toys aren’t built to last. They disintegrate, leaving a trail of nasty toxins behind.
Also stay away from porous toys, as they can transmit viruses and bacteria. They can even grow mold if they are stored incorrectly — gross.
Safe materials are medical-grade silicone, metal, steel, and glass. Medical-grade means the material is certified top-quality. There are so many couples’ toys now made of pure silicone that it’s not hard to stay safe.
Speaking of safety, if you’re sharing toys between the two of you, there are some precautions you should take to avoid yucky infections. Everyone thinks it’ll never happen to them until it does. Read up: Chapter 2.
There are so many couples’ toys now made of pure silicone that it’s not hard to stay safe.
Should I Buy A Sex Toy For My Girlfriend?
Maybe you two have been together for three years and you agreed to start trying new things. Maybe you’ve only been together for three months, but you can’t get the image of her with a vibrator out of your head. You want to buy her a sex toy, but you’re worried about how she’ll react.
Worry no more; we’ll settle this here and now. For starters: there’s nothing shameful or wrong in wanting to gift your girlfriend a sex toy. So long as you are keeping her pleasure first in mind, she should feel lucky that you’re considering it at all.
That being said, sex toys aren’t for every woman. Some women are open-minded to the possibilities, and others are perfectly content sans sex toy. Buying a sex toy for your girlfriend needs to be a careful, step-by-step process.
Before you begin, consider these questions.
Question 1: Has your girlfriend ever used a sex toy?
If she has enough vibrators under her bed to power an aircraft then this process will be easy for you. Gifting her a sex toy won’t shock her or make her uncomfortable unless you rush the process. In other words, don’t slip her a bag of dildos on the third date.
If she’s never used a sex toy, proceed with caution. Unless she has an extra spontaneous personality, blindsiding her with a vibrator will shock or scare her. She might feel offended that you didn’t discuss it with her first.
Unless she has an extra spontaneous personality, blindsiding her with a vibrator will shock or scare her.
Question 2: Have you ever discussed sex toys together?
If you’re going to buy her a sex toy, the answer to this question needs to be yes. Having a conversation about sex toys gives you a chance to assess whether or not she wants one, or feels comfortable receiving one from you. When you finally gift her a toy, she’ll feel less surprised and more excited to try it out.
The conversation about sex toys doesn’t have to be extensive. It just depends on your answer to Question 1. If she has used a sex toy before, the talk can be brief. You just need the verbal nod to go forth and start shopping. But if she has never used a sex toy, the discussion needs to be longer and more in depth. Reach a conclusion together if you’re ready to bring a sex toy into the bedroom.
Question 3: Do you know what kind of sex toy your girlfriend wants?
Everyone’s flavor of adult toys is a bit different. Some women fancy a little soft-core BDSM with handcuffs and nipple clamps. Others would rather don a sex lingerie outfit and get covered in edible massage oil. One thing 99% of women probably love is a vibrator.
If your girlfriend has used a sex toy before, you have more options as far as what to buy for her. More likely than not, she’ll be open to expanding her horizons with new kinds of kinky toys. Keep in mind — if you’re buying her something more intense, like an anal dildo, you should probably initiate a conversation beforehand.
If your girlfriend hasn’t used a sex toy before, she many not know what she wants. Lucky for you, you can help her figure that out. The best way to start experimenting is with a bullet vibrator. It’s a small and unintimidating, but still provides strong vibrations to expand her concept of pleasure.
How To Choose A Sex Toy She Will Love
Here’s a good rule of thumb for you: if you know exactly what she likes in the bedroom, you are ready to give your girlfriend an X-rated present. Consider what stimulates her most when you’re together — G-spot play? Nipple play? Clitoral stimulation? All of the above?
Her predilections will be your guide as you shop for her sex toy. For example, if she is always telling you to rub her clit during foreplay or sex, then buying her a clitoral vibrator is a brilliant idea. If she isn’t as clear about what she loves, try a vibrator that stimulates the G-spot and clitoris, like the G-spot & Clitoris Silicone Vibrator by Lyps. It’s impossible to go wrong with a toy that does it all.
How To Give Your Girlfriend A Sex Toy
Timing is everything. Sex toys make fun gifts for Valentine’s Day or your anniversary, but I don’t recommend gifting them on her birthday or Christmas. It can come across as a little selfish when you’re giving her a present that you’ll benefit from too. You can also surprise her with a naughty gift on a date night. Before going to dinner, have her unwrap the sex toy and tell her you want to use it with her later. The anticipation alone will arouse her all night.
Regardless of the setting you choose to give her a sex toy, the environment should be private and comfortable. There are countless ways to go about it, but the best is to do it in a way she’ll appreciate most.
Before going to dinner, have her unwrap the sex toy and tell her you want to use it with her later.
Here are some other ideas:
– Leave it on her bed so she comes home to it after work or girls’ night out
– Slip it in her nightstand
– Give it to her during foreplay, just as things are starting to get hot
– Call her while she’s out and tell her you have a naughty present for her
– Leave it underneath her pillow, text her about it once you’ve gone home for the night
Should I Buy A Sex Toy For My Boyfriend?
For some unbeknownst reason, men and sex toys don’t always get along. Some men think that any bedroom prop is an insult on their performance. Others are perfectly happy with their partner using a vibrator during sex, but wouldn’t dare use their own toy. If your boyfriend is one of those types, buying him a sex toy might be a tricky process.
But it doesn’t mean you should give up on the idea. If you think he would like it, or if it totally turns you on, you need to voice your opinion for the wellbeing of your sexuality. A sex toy may be the best thing that ever happened to his penis, he just doesn’t know it yet.
If he has used a sex toy before, and isn’t opposed to another addition to his collection, gifting your boyfriend a sex toy will be easy. You’ll just have to do a little investigating to see what kind of toy he is ready for.
If He Has Never Used A Sex Toy:
Just because he hasn’t used a sex toy doesn’t mean he won’t want to get one from you. Before buying him a sex toy, instigate a conversation first. Gently ask him what his thoughts are on sex toys. If he says he isn’t interested, let him know in a respectful way that you are interested. Ask him to think about it for a while, and let him know that you’ll be patient until he reaches his decision.
If he is interested in trying a sex toy, ask him questions. Ask him what he’s curious about, and what he wants to try in the future. Once you have this conversation, you can start shopping around for toys that fit his desires. Remember to respect his wishes if he wants to take it slow. An inflatable anal dildo? Probably not the best place to start.
Remember to respect his wishes if he wants to take it slow.
For a man that has never used a sex toy, cock rings are the perfect way to get his toes wet. They are subtle, but will enhance his erection and make every touch more pleasurable to him. The Cock Ring Set by Lyps makes a perfect gift — they are medical-grade flexible silicone, beginner-friendly, and affordable. You can also shop for a vibrating cock ring, which is usually designed to please both partners.
If He Has Used A Sex Toy:
Maybe your guy is sex toy savvy. He’s been using cock rings since he lost his virginity and has a shrine of personal masturbators. If your boyfriend has used a sex toy before, you probably won’t have to convince him that they’re fun. Instead you’ll face the challenge of choosing the right toy.
In this case, you still have to have a conversation with your boyfriend about sex toys. If he has them stashed somewhere, ask if you can see them. Ask him questions about what toys he likes. Ask him about his favorite kind of stimulation. This will help you determine what to start shopping for.
Should I Buy My Boyfriend An Anal Toy?
A lot of straight guys are a little bit superstitious. If I like anal stimulation, they assume, maybe I’m gay. Even though this is statement is thoroughly incorrect, it makes anal talk a little touchy for straight guys. Regardless, they may still be curious and want to try it. Your boyfriend may be dying to try anal play; he is just waiting for you to ask.
The case might also be that you want to try anal play on your guy. Nothing wrong with that — it can be a total turn on to stick something up his backdoor. Lots of guys ask their girlfriends to try anal sex. Logically, there’s no reason why women shouldn’t ask their boyfriends the same. Not to mention there can be a world of pleasure in it for the guy.
If you want to buy an anal toy for your man, there needs to be serious conversation first. You need to assess if that’s something he would be willing to try for you or himself. Be sensitive toward his reaction as there can be a lot of fears around the subject. Before gifting him an anal toy, you need to get the bright, flashing green light.
Once he gives you the okay for anal play, you have a lot of gift options. You can start easy, with butt plugs or anal beads. Try out the Vibrating Butt Plug by Lyps. If he is balls-to-the-wall about toys for his bum, do your research and clue him in on the idea of prostate pleasure. (You can learn about this in Chapter X.) Then surprise him with this cock ring and butt plug combo by Lyps. Honestly, if any guy can turn down a hands-free orgasm I’ll be shocked.
How To Give Your Boyfriend A Sex Toy
Once you’ve picked out the perfect gift, give it to him in a carefully selected atmosphere. I recommend romantic holidays, like Valentine’s Day or your anniversary. But it’s also fun to surprise him on a random day with a naughty toy. Just make sure you pick a private and comfortable place and time. If it’s a toy you can use together, give it to him as your hookup gets hot and heavy. Usually the moment right before the clothes come off is a great place to stop and say, “Hey babe, I have a really dirty present that I want you to open.”
Anal sex is all the rage these days… and only getting more popular. Whether you’re an anal beginner or expert, the next chapter is bound to teach you something you didn’t know about anal sex toys. Chapter 7: All About the Best Anal Sex Toys