What does Tickle Me Elmo, a Pringles can, a Chip Clip, and bubble wrap have in common? They’re all members of the homemade sex toys club.

Never have I ever humped a Tickle Me Elmo to get off, but evidently, a lot of us have. Turns out the vibrating stuffed animal has a bit of a wild side, and he likes to show it.

Whether this sounds too weird to you, or you happen to be a connoisseur on the subject – it doesn’t matter. In the throes of horniness, we’re all liable to get a little weird. Ideas pop into our heads uncontrollably. Suddenly it seems like a really good idea to use your light saber from the Star Wars premier as a glow-in-the-dark dildo.

We get off on the idea of making perfectly nice, innocent things dirty. (Hence why your partner wants to dress you up as a schoolgirl.) We get so aroused by the prospect that more times than not, we don’t think about basics like safety and health.

So while homemade sex toys may seem like a “hot sexpression” of your creativity, think again. No one will be handing you a reward for innovation when you’re blushing in the E.R. with a potato up your butt, like this priest. (You just can’t make this shit up.)

A lot of sources out there negate the necessity of real sex toys but don’t address the real safety concerns of homemade sex toys. As I will soon show you, there are many. If you want to spend your day researching homemade sex toys for men on buildavagina.com, I won’t stop you. But understanding the risks of homemade sex toys is vital to your sexual health.

If You Don’t Believe Me Yet: Homemade Sex Toys Have Caused Death

I’ll be completely transparent: I’m about to share some stories with you that might make you cringe a little. I’m telling them to make a point. But also because they represent the stark reality that homemade sex toys have dangerous potential.

In Craley, Pennsylvania, a young couple, Kirsten and Toby Taylor, liked to use electric shock during intimacy. Toby placed electric clamps (never intended for sexual use) on his wife’s nipples, plugged the cord into an electric strip, and shocked her. It was consensual, but after three or four shocks Kirsten’s body couldn’t handle it. Tragically, she died.

Arguably, a Croatian man had it just as bad. After inserting a light bulb up his anus, the light bulb shattered. He suffered from severe, nearly-fatal internal bleeding.

But nothing beats the stupidity of the 20-year-old from North Carolina who asked his partner to pour concrete mix in his backdoor.

Apparently he missed the memo: that’s not what we mean when we talk about getting filled.

Of course, these are extreme cases. Most homemade sex toy injuries don’t result in anything fatal but do provide a fair share of harm.

Here’s the bottom line, if you use a homemade sex toy you increase your chance of infections, allergic reactions, perforation, cuts, splinters, and any kind of injury that may result from getting a toy lost in one of your holes.

The Basic Risks Of Homemade Sex Toys For Women And Men

1. Pointed Objects: Here’s one observation of the penis that we can all agree on: the tip is not pointy. It’s a nice and round, globular shape. The evolutionary reason for this is that during P in V sex, the penis can actually reach and lift a woman’s uterus. The uterus wouldn’t like a pointy penis very much.

And neither would the anus, whose tissues are extremely delicate. What this means is that pointed objects make for terrible sex toys. Pencils, pens, Sharpies, silverware, knitting needles, and the like all run the risk of piercing or contusion.

2. Specialized Objects: If the object has a function that has nothing to do with sex, perhaps it should stay that way. But here we see that common sense and sex don’t always go hand-in-hand: vacuums and bike pumps are repeatedly tried as sex toys. And it repeatedly ends in injury.

Sorry to make you wince again. While a vacuum hose may seem like a virtual blowjob, I can assure you it is not. As will the men who tried anyway and lost the skin on their penis because of it.

Ladies aren’t exactly in the clear either. Inserting a bike pump up your vagina and pumping (why??) can put your internal organs at risk for a fatal embolism.

Let’s just take household appliances off the table entirely, shall we?

3. Food Objects: Ah, the famous cucumber. “Fruits and vegetables come from the earth! They’re completely natural and harmless!” you’re thinking. Simmer down, flower child, it’s still a bad idea.

When it comes to inserting food, the biggest dilemma is infection. The liquids in your body can cause the food to break down and go places it doesn’t belong, like your urinary tract. Plus you’re practically begging for a yeast infection.

Using certain foods as a homemade sex toy, you risk losing them in the abyss. It’s happened before but hopefully won’t happen again: using hot dogs for masturbation.

There is a rumor floating around the web about a woman who inserted a frozen hotdog in her pussy. Spoiler alert: it thawed. A piece broke off and got lost so the doctor was called. I think she took her craving for sausage too literally.

4. Small Objects: Take a peek at all of the real sex toys out there. Every insertable has a handle or flared base that prevents it from lodging inside your vagina or rectum and becoming irretrievable.

But plentiful E.R. cases prove that people like to stick stuff in their bodies regardless of their impractical shape. Remote controls? All the time. Toy cars, cans of hairspray, Coke bottles? You bet.

And every time one of these items gets stuck, the ending is always the same: a doctor saying “don’t worry, I see this all the time.” Because sadly, they do. Once something is lodged in your body, you have no choice but to see a doctor. Leaving a foreign object in your body causes serious health risks.

5. Electric Objects: When it comes to anything sexual, the wetter the better. But if you’ll recall any safety course ever, water and electricity don’t play nicely. Homemade sex toys that involve plugging-in immediately put you in real danger.

If it has an electronic current and even comes close to penetration or a body of water, we’re talking electrocution. And in no way is that sexy.

Why Do People Want To Know How To Make A Homemade Sex Toy?

Valid question. With the diversity and growth of the sex toy industry it seems astonishing that so many people would be interested in homemade sex toys.

How does do homemade sex toys for men, like a Ziploc baggie full of mayo, seem more appealing than a stylin’ cock ring? Does a makeshift homemade sex toy for women really exceed a silky smooth, waterproof, silicone vibrator with ten different settings?

Homemade sex toys aren’t sought after for their function. They’re popular for their convenience.

Those who crave a sex toy but don’t feel comfortable visiting a local sex shop would rather build a homemade sex toy in the comfort of their home. They create knockoff versions of toys that satisfy their inner kink. Although the satisfaction is short-lived since homemade toys never last long.

Some people don’t want to get busted shopping for or owning a toy. A Pringles can is a lot more inconspicuous than a bright pink, swirly rabbit vibrator if your parents come to visit.

Homemade toys can seem sneakier, but the stealth isn’t worth the potential pleasure you’re missing out on with real sex toys.

But perhaps the leading reason for why easy homemade sex toys are the go-to is that they are perceived as more affordable. People don’t want to drop a big bill on a fancy luxury vibrator. But they don’t want to end up with some cheap pile of jelly either.

So instead, they spend a fraction of the money on plastic wrap and sponges. They fuck the crack between the couch cushions. Or, they simply reach in the fridge for a dick-like veggie.

Unfortunately, people don’t discuss sex toys over bagels and coffee the way I wish they would. It takes a while for sex toy news to get around because it gets stuck in the murkiness of judgement and taboo.

People don’t realize that there is an incredible middle-ground for sex toys that is both affordable and high-quality.

But let’s not isolate those of us who get turned on by making and using homemade sex toys. Insertions and homemade toys are a fetish for some, and I’m not one sway people away from their kinks. If you’re floating this boat, rock on. Just make sure you’re being extremely careful with your creations. Educate yourself on how to stay out of the E.R.

Homemade Sex Toys For Guys And Girls: Know Your Material

Grabbing your hairbrush and a little lube sounds pretty harmless, right? Psych — it’s not harmless. Depending on what material the brush is made of, it could actually pose a real threat.

Homemade sex toys have one major disadvantage: their materials aren’t proofed for sexual use. And some materials will wreak havoc on your genitals. Like your hairbrush, for example.

A lot of hair brush handles have a squishy, plastic handle. Soft plastic usually contains harmful chemicals, like phthalates, which the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has deemed as potentially carcinogenic.  Plus they can cause rashes, burns, and inflammation.

While you’re avoiding plastic, you should steer clear of homemade sex toys involving wood. Since they aren’t designated sex toys, most wooden objects aren’t as thoroughly polished as a professional wooden dildo would be.

Even the smallest splinter will turn someone into a whiny baby. Imagine when they’re in your ass.

Don’t forget that your genitals are much more sensitive than other parts of your body. The materials of your hodge-podge homemade toys won’t tend to this.

A lot of homemade male sex toys involve latex, which is a common allergen. It’s one of the instances where a homemade sex toy ends in a nasty allergic reaction. We’re talking itching, rashes, and hives — AKA the kind of stuff no one wants to see downstairs.

Purchasing a real sex toy instead of making your own gives you control of over what materials you’re exposing your body to. The best kind of sex toy is made of FDA-approved, medical-grade silicone, glass, steel, or metal. Although unfortunately, it’s not that simple even when buying a real sex toy.

Since the sex toy industry isn’t regulated, many manufacturers claim their toys as “phthalate-free” or silicone when they aren’t. The best way to navigate the sex toy industry is to find a trusted brand that uses only medical-grade materials.

All of the products Lyps makes, for example, are medical-grade silicone. Not only are the products safe, but they feel soft and real as skin.

Opting for real sex toys with safe ingredients means one thing: you can focus explicitly on your pleasure. You don’t have to worry about rashes or splinters. Instead you’ll be worried about how to stop bragging about all these extra orgasms you’re having.

Choosing A Real Sex Toy Instead Of A Homemade Sex Toy

If you’re still siding with homemade sex toys despite the health concerns I’ve listed, let me try this from a new angle. Using real sex toys is about one thing: maximizing your pleasure.

The aim of sex toys is to boost your sexual satisfaction. And there’s a pretty good chance they will succeed, considering all of the science, studies, and hard data behind every toy.

Toys are designed to emphasize sexual experiences and accent the points in your body that create the most pleasure. Driven by form, they locate areas in your body rich with nerve endings. Then, they tickle and stimulate those areas to push your body towards climax.

Don’t forget about the fact that most toys have a mechanical aspect that makes them vibrate, throb, or thrust. It can even excite at different intensities and rhythms. Can your condom-wrapped banana do all this? Doubt it.

With real sex toys, malfunction is seldom if ever on the table. Consider homemade male sex toys. Usually they involve a tube-shaped object, soft lining like plastic, bubble wrap, or latex, and a squishy liquid to fill it up. Here’s how that translates: mess and mishap.

You spend all this time learning how to make homemade sex toys and they fall apart, leak everywhere, or give you a grody infection. Sounds like a real ball buster to me. (Unless of course this kind of thing turns you on, in which case, knock em’ dead.)

Recall that sex toys exacerbate your pleasure in a way that is perfectly safe. Lyps makes its toys out of FDA-approved, medical-grade silicone. This top quality material is durable and harmless but feels soft as the real deal.  

At the end of the day, more than 50% of Americans are using sex toys. There’s something you can trust about sex toys in that stat alone.

People are buying real sex toys for a flood of reasons. Because they’re safe. Because they feel like a godsend. Because they deliver sexual empowerment in a way that improves quality of life. You have to experience it to believe it, and that’s what I’m hoping you’ll do.  

Instead Of That.. Use This

⭐  Instead of using a cucumber as a dildo… Use the 8” Realistic Silicone Dildo by Lyps

Maybe I’m going out on a limb here, but if you’re reaching for phallic-shaped produce then you’re probably looking to get filled. You’re craving deep and full penetration, the kind that dildos happen to specialize in. This is the kind of desire that promoted homemade sex toys for women.

Instead of using food, which will break down and cause infections, try the 8” Realistic Silicone Dildo by Lyps. Perfect for vaginal or anal penetration, this dildo is designed in a lifelike manner to fondle all of your internal pleasure points.

It’s made of 100% medical-grade silicone, so you know you’re getting the best of the best. My favorite part about the toy? It feels undeniably real. Not to mention, this dildo is waterproof with a suction cup on the end so you can stick it anywhere. Take that, cucumber!

⭐  Instead of using a paper towel role as a masturbator… Use the Lyps Penis Ring and Butt Plug

Men who want to know how to make a homemade sex toy generally have one thing in mind: enhancing their masturbation technique. Using your hand over and over gets old pretty damn fast. Guys and girls agree on that.

But did you know that using a cock ring can enhance your erection? A cock ring makes your erection firmer, making every stroke feel more intense and pleasurable. It also delays ejaculation, so that when you do finally orgasm it’s ten times better.

When you add in the butt plug combo, you’re getting the masturbation makeover you wanted and then some. Your anus is full of sensitive nerve endings. When they’re stimulated, you’re amplifying the overall pleasure. Regardless of your orientation, this toy redefines the way you come.

⭐  Instead of using an electric toothbrush as a clit vibrator… Use the Rabbit Vibrator by Lyps

The electric toothbrush takes the prize for the most common homemade sex toy for girls. Almost everyone has one, and if not, they’re easily obtainable. Women’s adoration for electric toothbrushes comes down to two things: vibration and clitoral stimulation.

An electric toothbrush feels awesome on your clit, I won’t take that away from you. The Lyps Rabbit Vibrator just does it better. The two bunny ears flitter against your clit while providing you with simultaneous G-spot excitement.  

With dual motors, a rotating head, and 10 silent vibration settings, the Rabbit Vibrator gives you more than enough reasons to save your toothbrush battery for fighting cavities.

⭐   Instead of using a tampon as a butt plug… Use the Lyps Anal Trainer Kit

Most of the E.R. visits caused by losing a foreign object in our naughty parts involve the anus. Once something gets disappears in the anal sphincter, it’s nearly impossible to retrieve. That’s why homemade anal sex toys are a no-no.

Professional anal toys feature a flared base to prevent this exact effect. If you use a butt plug, like those in the Lyps Anal Trainer Kit, you get the advantage of inserting the butt plug and continuing with your stimulation elsewhere. You don’t have to worry about babysitting your homemade anal sex toy.

The Anal Trainer Kit has four different premium-silicone options with varied sizes. If you’re not used to anal penetration, this is the perfect solution to get you warmed up. This kit is just barely more expensive than a box of tampons, so you’re out of excuses friends.

⭐  Instead of using your cellphone as a vibrator… Use the Lyps Aphrodite

On average, we spend nearly five hours a day on our phones. That’s a third of the total time we spend awake. Is it really necessary to be using our phone when we’re getting dirty, too?

Not when the posh and seductive Aphrodite by Lyps is waiting for you. This beautiful toy is the mecca of affordable and effective vibrators. Made with the softest medical-grade silicone there is, the Aphrodite is a G-spot and clit massager would laugh at your smartphone’s vibration.

If vibration is what your body craves, then a real vibrator will make your heart sing. There is no homemade sex toy that can master the same powerful vibrations. Keep your iPhone out of the bedroom.

But Homemade Sex Toys Are Free!

But hospital visits are not… You may get lucky a couple of times using homemade sex toys — don’t let it get to your head. The point is, the likelihood of infection, injury, or irritation is so much higher with a homemade toy versus a professional sex toy.

And correct me if I’m wrong, but genital injuries are typically the type to ardently avoid, right?

We spend money on gym memberships, hair appointments, wining and dining, movie tickets, and sports games. Why? Because they bring us pleasure.

Choosing homemade sex toys over professional toys for financial reasons simply doesn’t cut it.

Spending money on sex toys is the same concept. Sometimes, pleasure costs money. But the benefit of spending your coin on sexual pleasure has even more benefits than a badass bottle of wine. Positive sexuality is straight-up good for your health.

You don’t need to spend a Benjamin on a bejeweled, luxury dildo. There are brands that use elite materials for an extremely affordable price.

Take Lyps, for example. The Aphrodite Vibrator is made of medical-grade silicone — meaning, the same materials doctors can use in open heart surgery. It makes its users divinely satisfied with its realistic feel and rippling vibration. LELO’s comparable vibrator is $199. The Lyps Aphrodite? $22.99.

I’ve spent more on chapstick and vegan chocolate at Whole Foods. Choosing homemade sex toys over professional toys for financial reasons simply doesn’t cut it.

When Fear Is The Reason You’re Learning How To Make A Homemade Sex Toy

For many of us, the reason why we’re making homemade sex toys has nothing to do with money. Instead, we fear showing our faces at Crystal’s. We feel destined to be caught at the local sex store, like the shop clerk is going to announce your arrival on Facebook.

Your fears are understandable. Sex shops are intimidating, especially when they’re in concrete buildings with no windows and one giant sign with “XXX” in red font (WTF is that about).

But realistically, tons of people have stepped foot in a sex store before. And the sex toy industry wouldn’t be at $15 billion if that weren’t true.

Here are a couple tips to help you overcome the fear that stands between you and your new toy:

1. Plan to visit the sex store when it isn’t busy.

You’re terrified that your aunt or your best friend’s dad will catch you buying an inflatable sex doll. So you plan to visit the shop at night, just before it closes, when no one can see your car or your face.

Great, you’ve just crafted the same plan as everyone else and their mother, literally. If you’re trying to visit the sex store in 007-style, please don’t go at night.

Nighttime is when couples on date nights or horny singles get their dirty ideas requiring sex paraphernalia. It’s when everyone else who is embarrassed to visit the sex shop winds up at the sex shop.

If you’re trying to be sneaky, go to the sex shop during the middle of a weekday. Chances are you’ll be the only person pulling into the parking lot. You can browse the aisles of legitimate sex toys in perverted peace.

2. Say “fuck it” and go whenever you want.

No matter how you plan it, there’s always the risk of having an awkward experience at the sex shop. Who cares?

You’re entitled to your sexuality, kinks, and fetishes. The reason why you’re in the sex shop is because you were empowered enough to follow your desires. And remember, no one goes to a sex shop to hang out in a sex swing and judge people who walk through the door.  

Everyone you’ll ever see in a sex shop is there for the same reason: because they like sex too. It’s as simple as acknowledging that you’re a human being with wants and needs and you’re strong enough to satisfy them. Rip off the Band-Aid and head to Crystal’s.

3. Order your sex toy online.

If you want nothing to do with sex stores then you can order your sex toy online. There are plenty of online stores but I recommend Amazon for the best deals.

When ordering online, make sure you do your research. The selection will be wider, so once you narrow down your choices you need to do some fine-comb investigation. Check the materials of the toy, read its reviews, and research the brand.

Since the toy industry isn’t regulated, manufacturers can send you knock offs without a consequence. Meaning, you can order something that’s “phthalate free” but end up with a jelly toy whose chemicals you can smell across the room — not hot.

The bonus of ordering online is that many brands offer discreet shipping. When you order a Lyps sex toy, the process honors your privacy from start to finish. The toy will be dropped on your porch in an average, everyday cardboard box with a sly label.

When your roommate asks what’s in the box, just say you ordered a new electric toothbrush from Amazon.

And What About Homemade Lube?

If people are making homemade sex toys, you bet they’re wondering how to make homemade lube. Actually, I don’t have a lot of criticism for homemade lubricants. Most homemade options are better than those found on the shelf.

The options for homemade sex lubes abound:

  • Coconut Oil
  • Olive Oil
  • Almond Oil
  • Vitamin E Oil
  • Avocado Oil
  • Essential Oils
  • Pure Aloe Vera
  • Purified Water

The reason why I’m advocating for homemade lube is that majority of what you’ll buy from a store consists of mostly water or less-natural ingredients like silicone. Buying lube isn’t always the most lucrative option. Particularly if you’re going through a lot of it. (Always a good sign.)

Just keep in mind that your body may have certain reactions to different ingredients. Before you apply a homemade lube recipe, test it on your inner thigh. If you don’t have an allergic reaction or irritation, you’ve got the green light.

Heads up: certain lubricants will make your condoms break. Any vegetable or mineral oil can wear your condoms down. It you’re wrapping it up, you need to stick to water-base lubricants. You’ve been warned.

In the case of homemade lubricants, they are often better than store-bought alternatives. They aren’t dangerous, the way homemade sex toys are. So if you’re dying to apply your craftsmanship to your sex life, here’s your golden opportunity.

Personal tip: Coconut oil is by far my favorite homemade lubricant. Use it for masturbation, P in V sex, or as a homemade anal lube. Coconut oil is a natural anti-inflammatory and antibacterial moisturizer that prevents yeast infections and dryness. It’s a natural sidekick to any of your professional sex toys, too.

Your Time Is Precious: Don’t Waste It On Homemade Sex Toys

There’s one more aspect of homemade sex toys that we haven’t quite broached. Do you realize how time consuming they are? From the second you research how to make a homemade sex toy to the final product in hand, it can take literally hours.

Unless you’re the die hard DIY, Pinterest type you’ll probably realize that the time it takes to make a homemade sex toy puts a damper on the pleasure you’ll get from it.

Contrarily, professional sex toys focus on one central component: ease. Once it’s in your possession, the rest is downhill. Who knew it was so easy to experience orgasms? Well you, soon enough.

Homemade sex toys have a long list of cons and one pro. Cons: they’re dangerous, they don’t always give you orgasms, they fall apart, they’re messy, they’re time consuming. Pros: they feel good. So does your hand, but that’s not doing it for you anymore is it?

An affordable and effective sex toy has no cons, and that’s an amazing thing. Your sex life is too important to deal with cons. It deserves only the pros, so leave the sex toys to the professionals.