Want to consume more calories while climaxing?

Experience these sex toys with your partner.

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa) 1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa) 274 calories

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size 22 calories
Oversize 15 calories
Tremendous 8 calories
Teensy-weensy 163 calories


Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)
25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation) 40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height 18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man 90 calories
While in traction
(very useful during ski season)
124 calories


On a bar stool 20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down 274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat 24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat 42 calories
On an airliner, window seat 30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory 100 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing 7 calories
Sliding around 9 calories
Serious Skidding 12 calories
Full cartwheel 20 calories
Whiplash 27 calories
Knee burn 6 calories
Chafed elbows 5 calories
Chafed nose 11 calories

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp) 3 calories
Wheezing 5 calories
Squeals 4 calories
Ecstatic moaning 11 calories
Low growling 8 calories
Squishing 10 calories
Shouting 16 calories
Screaming 18 calories
Urgent begging 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions
(“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.)
25 calories

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go 5.5 calories
Controlling yourself 79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back 11 calories
Trembling 15 calories
Shaking 20 calories
Shuddering 25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open 33 calories


Real 27 calories
Faked 160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn’t change 1/2 calorie
Face turned purple 15 calories
Orchestra swelled 6 calories
Magical explosions 10 calories
Blazing Sheets 25 calories
Earth moved 30 calories
Vesuvius erupted 47 calories
You began moaning in Latin 60 calories

Pulling Out

After orgasm 1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm 500 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For women:
5 30 calories
8 47 calories
(Depending on her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
2 21 calories
3 39 calories
4 57 calories
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

Special Orgasms

Clitoral. 15 calories
Vaginal 21 calories
Penile 21 calories
Scrotal 15 calories
Rectal 25 calories
(can also occur during an especially good meal)
30 calories

Premature Ejaculation

During insertion 2 calories
During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)
5 calories
During foreplay 3 calories
Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)
4 calories

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on TV.

For Women
Frustration 8 calories
Anger 15 calories
Violent mood swing 20 calories
Suppressing rage 25 calories
Not suppressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.)
65 calories
For Men:
Cursing 10 calories
Apologizing 3 calories
Sniveling 5 calories
Pleading for mercy 8 calories
Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)
15 calories

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning 6 calories
Palpitations 10 calories
Shortness of breath 5 ca