Want to consume more calories while climaxing?

Experience these sex toys with your partner.

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa)1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa)274 calories

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size22 calories
Oversize15 calories
Tremendous8 calories
Teensy-weensy163 calories

Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)
25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation)40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man90 calories
While in traction
(very useful during ski season)
124 calories

Locations

On a bar stool20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic38 calories
In a phone booth, standing14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat42 calories
On an airliner, window seat30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory100 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing7 calories
Sliding around9 calories
Serious Skidding12 calories
Full cartwheel20 calories
Whiplash27 calories
Knee burn6 calories
Chafed elbows5 calories
Chafed nose11 calories

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp)3 calories
Wheezing5 calories
Squeals4 calories
Ecstatic moaning11 calories
Low growling8 calories
Squishing10 calories
Shouting16 calories
Screaming18 calories
Urgent begging22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions
(“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.)
25 calories

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go5.5 calories
Controlling yourself79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back11 calories
Trembling15 calories
Shaking20 calories
Shuddering25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open33 calories

Orgasm

Real27 calories
Faked160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn’t change1/2 calorie
Face turned purple15 calories
Orchestra swelled6 calories
Magical explosions10 calories
Blazing Sheets25 calories
Earth moved30 calories
Vesuvius erupted47 calories
You began moaning in Latin60 calories

Pulling Out

After orgasm1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm500 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For women:
2
530 calories
847 calories
(Depending on her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
221 calories
339 calories
457 calories
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

Special Orgasms

Clitoral.15 calories
Vaginal21 calories
Penile21 calories
Scrotal15 calories
Rectal25 calories
Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal)
30 calories

Premature Ejaculation

During insertion2 calories
During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)
5 calories
During foreplay3 calories
Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)
4 calories

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on TV.

For Women
Frustration8 calories
Anger15 calories
Violent mood swing20 calories
Suppressing rage25 calories
Not suppressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.)
65 calories
For Men:
Cursing10 calories
Apologizing3 calories
Sniveling5 calories
Pleading for mercy8 calories
Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)
15 calories

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning6 calories
Palpitations10 calories
Shortness of breath5 calories
Perspiring8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny disposition1 calorie

Recovering

Un-entwining3 calories
Regaining motor control of pelvis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)
7 calories
Standing up9 calories
Getting some juice11 calories

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entitled to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.)
18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)
32 calories
During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)
12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot80 calories

Trying Again

If the woman is ready5 calories
If the man is not156 calories

Dreaming

Regular dream2 calories
Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
16 calories
Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.)
20 calories

Group Sex

Introducing yourself3 calories
Overcoming shyness8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly62 calories
Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are)
16 calories
Mixed doubles26 calories
Being nice to everyone100 calories
Anger
(You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for your body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)
10 calories
Finding your clothes5 calories

Masturbation

For pleasure only6 calories
For exercise, too10 calories
For relief from tension12 calories
To pass the time7 calories
To avoid overeating16 calories
To get in touch with the inner self10 calories
To get in touch with outer self10.5 calories
To avoid insanity24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.)
9 calories
Using your hand(s)11 calories
Using your finger(s)9 calories
Using tweezers2 calories
Using an inflatable doll24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley)
19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – finding an isolated seat78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat3 calories

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn’t do8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual10 calories
Climaxing too soon5 calories
Climaxing too late6 calories
Not climaxing20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object9 calories
Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites should I not recover from the orgasm88 calories

Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shakes and ripple during orgasm6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field8 calories
Penis envy72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak25 calories

Getting Caught

By partner’s spouse60 calories
By your spouse60.5 calories
Trying to explain165 calories
Stuttering28 calories
Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on the type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)
40 calories

Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)66 calories
Leaping out of bed25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion300 calories
Thanking partner quickly2 calories
Jumping out of the window
add 5 calories if the window wasn’t open
15 calories
Landing1 calorie
Running very fast50 calories